Well…it happened again. And apparently I’m still doing a thing. It isn’t even that I feel bad or stressed about not writing here. It is that I really and truly need and want to write about the things that are happening in my life. I want to write about them so that I can read about them later. I want to say brutally honest things about my life and my thoughts in case other people are going through the same things. I need to write things out here – because it is easier for me to write things than say things – so that they don’t get stuck inside of me forever and become heavy toxic gunk slowing down my every move. Ugh. Even just saying that makes me feel better. So I’m just going to ramble.

Last time I wrote summer hadn’t even started yet. Now its almost already over. I’m OK with that. I’m so ready to move on from here. I need a change. I need to get away from Cape Cod and way out of my comfort zone to find some clarity. I’ve been busy though, which is good and helps. Working two jobs and going out a lot. It is nice and it makes the time fly. Its so crazy how life is always a certain way until it just isn’t that way anymore. And it always seems to turn on a dime even if that isn’t actually reality. You know? Life is boring until you can barely find time to sleep. You’re totally sober until you’re drinking every night. You’re healthy as can be until you can’t even take care of yourself. Completely underwhelmed until you can barely handle each day. Lonely until you desperately need some time alone.You have your shit together until everything is completely out of your control. You’re painfully single until you run into someone you want to love forever. I just can’t seem to find a balance lately and its starting to hurt. Why can’t it just be balanced? Why isn’t there a way to cruise through somewhere in the middle?

I met a boy I like. That pretty much never happens to me so I got really excited about it. He says I’m gorgeous and cool but isn’t trying to get serious with anyone. You know what? That just means you don’t want to get serious with me. Why can’t you just say that? Puh-lease. I wrote the fucking book on not wanting to get serious. He won’t even give me the chance to tell him that I don’t want anything serious either. My life is a mess. I have two jobs. I am freaking out of here in a few weeks and then hopefully gone for good in a couple months. We went out on one date. Hung out three times. Never slept together. What is serious about any of that? I was honest and real and wore my heart on my sleeve. I did everything right. I was 100% myself. I guess its all on him then and I shouldn’t feel bad about any of it. So why do I feel so bad about it? I think I feel bad about it because I’m 28 years old and I’ve never been in love or even in a serious relationship. I’m pretty sure that is what I feel bad about. Being rejected by this one boy has less to do with this boy and more to do with all the other boys. I really did like him though and I’m pretty bummed that he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore. Especially when I’m pretty sure he actually does like me and wants to hang out with me. He just assumes he can’t because of what he thinks I want. And you know what ass-u-me-ing does right? Exactly. Its ridiculous. I just want a boy that I want to hang out with that wants to hang out with me equally as much. No questions. No drama.

A girl I went to high school with came into my work the other day. She dates someone I’ve know for a long time, but me and this girl never really got along. I never really liked her and I imagine she felt the same. I honestly don’t really know her and am not one to hold a grudge but she has never been particularly nice to me anytime I’ve seen her. She was definitely drunk and she came up to me and told me I look phenomenal. I didn’t know what to say. Her words seemed so drunk and sincere that I just felt like crying. I said thank you twice instead. I don’t know why she felt like it was finally time to say something nice to me. But that 30 second interaction totally changed everything. Isn’t that crazy? Since high school I’ve hated hearing anything about her. Now if I hear something about her I’ll think of the compliment she gave me. I don’t know what it means exactly but I guess all I’m trying to say is that you never know what another person is thinking or doing and sometimes you just need to talk to them or say something nice to completely change a situation.

I’ve been drinking wayyyyy too much. I’ve been eating way too much sugar and it is making me feel like shit. But it is helping me to escape and get through the summer. Which do I want more right now? I guess I just want the time to pass more than I want to feel good about my body. Sometimes I feel like my body and my diet are a lost cause as long as I live here. Pathetic, right? How do I expect to be a health coach for other people when I can’t even coach myself? When I make excuses like that and actually believe that I can’t take care of myself here? Its a horrible feeling. I know can I take care of myself somewhere else. I can’t wait to do that.

I think I have a nail polish buying addiction. I’m going to Guatemala and Honduras with one of my favorite people in the world at the end of August. I have mosquito bites and bruises everywhere. Got a pretty nice tan going, though. My sister is getting married to a guy I’ve considered family for a very long time and the engagement party is this weekend. I can’t wait. It was San Diego weather here today. I love my family. I have a blast with the people I work with. I’m learning things every day. Saving some money. I’m lucky. Life is pretty good. It isn’t easy, but its pretty good.