My brain is ridiculous right now. It doesn’t even feel like my brain. I can’t get words out right and sometimes the words I’m thinking aren’t even the same ones I say. People and situations that I could normally handle like a champion make me want to jump off a cliff. I don’t like to label people as crazy but, well…I feel a little crazy. It happens to me sometimes when I am really stressed out and its that time of the month. For any male readers out there, I’m telling you now that the woman struggle is real.

Anyways, I wrote an extremely long, whiny blog post to tell you about it. I logged in today to finish it and hated every word. I deleted it because I don’t want to put you through that. It was a painful story about me feeling sorry for myself, eating a bacon cheeseburger, and still feeling tortured by the painfully slow-moving pace of everything in my life. I don’t think you give a fahhck that I ate a cheeseburger. So the post is gone. You’re welcome.

I feel much better after deleting it. Maybe I’ve just discovered some new kind of therapy? Wait, that isn’t new. Aren’t you supposed to write down all the things that aren’t working and burn them or send them away in a balloon? I have been struggling a bit. It seems everyone is right now. I’ve been completely exhausted and in need of a good cry that my stubborn tear ducts won’t let me have. I went to work yesterday and everyone was having a freaking DAY. May 21, 2014 – the day everyone in San Diego should have stayed in bed. My coworkers and I were cussed at more than once by clients. Nobody had anything good to say. Bad energy all around. Its hard to recognize that you are part of the problem when that happens because well…you’re part of the problem. Plus, its so much easier to blame others than to take responsibility for your own attitude. Luckily, in my recently enlightened (ha…really guys, I’m trying!) state of let me love you I actually knew that I was being too reactive. I couldn’t stop, though. Or maybe I didn’t want to stop. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself remember? I told my coworker that I was going to turn things around and just start killing everyone with kindness. I had some chocolate, too. Ugghhh. You know what? It worked. No, it didn’t magically fix all my issues. Yeah, some people still sucked. But I immediately felt better knowing that I was committed to feeling better. Pretty simple. Accept that other people might suck no matter what you do. Then decide that you are going to do everything you can to remain at peace. Really, it works.

Now as to why I’ve been a sad sack of a girl, we still need to do some work. I’m having an extra struggle this week because I’m missing my sister and brother-in-law’s big bachelor/bachelorette weekend in New Orleans. Its a pretty big deal and I am totally bummed out about it. I’m also working at least six days a week (and still had to pay my car insurance with a credit card). Gahhdammit. It has to change. I’m working on it but it is hard and it is sloowwww. The worst part? I’m the problem! I can’t get out of my own way. Its always one step forward, two steps back. Find a posting for my dream job and I can’t bring myself to sit my ass down and apply because I couldn’t possibly be qualified based on the starting salary. My dream man calls me and I’m already thinking of all the different ways I can avoid my feelings. I finally decide on the thing I want to do next and then I spend hours thinking of reasons why I can’t/shouldn’t do it. When all I need is one reason why I can. I’m more afraid of success than I am of failure and it is really fucking annoying.

Am I seriously complaining about the fact that I know I’m going to be successful? Failure. I can do that one. I’ve done it a million times. The success is the scary part.  Because once you have everything you want – then what? I’m pretty sure you just find other stuff to want. That is the part that worries me. Never being satisfied. Ever! This is where my problem is. This is where I got into trouble before. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done over the last few years but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what my life would look like if I’d made different choices. Not even the big choices, either. It doesn’t matter now. I am where I am and have to start from here. I know what I have to do. Why can’t I just do it?

I guess there is a progression between knowing something and really knowing it. Like knowing something so deeply that it actually changes the way you act. For a simple example, you know that a food isn’t good for you but you eat it anyways. OR you know a food isn’t good for you so you decide that you don’t want to eat that food because of what it will do to your body. It isn’t always black and white. Sometimes there is a transition period. You’ll have to eat that food a bunch of times to realize it makes you feel like shit before you’ll make the decision to not eat it anymore. Or a gray area. You know that something is bad for you and makes you feel bad – but maybe not that bad. Or feeling shitty for a little while is worth it sometimes (I’m looking at you, alcohol). Part of it is bargaining. Part of it is not actually believing that we deserve what we want. Am I the type of girl that gets to have it all? Can I have a love and a business and a healthy body and a loving family and live at the beach? I know what I want but maybe I don’t know that I deserve it yet. Or I know that I deserve it but I’m just not ready.

I don’t know. So I’m just going to give these things that I know some time to sink in. Marinate for a little while. Get into every cell in my body. I don’t know how long it will take. I was thinking that I’ve been patient enough. That something just has to happen for me soon. But now I don’t really think that’s a thing. Patient enough. That doesn’t exist. Infinite patience is the only amount of patience that will get you what you want.