Sometimes I can’t tell if my heart is permanently broken or if it aches because it is so incredibly full. Can it be both at the same time? I think it can.

a panorama from earlier today to overflow my heart.

My heart isn’t 100% whole anymore, though. I think that is why I get confused. I’ve given pieces to people. Some people have taken pieces without asking. Some have a piece and they don’t even know it. My heart is located all over the world. A little piece in Thailand. A little bit at the coffee shop in the airport in Cairo. Pieces scattered all over the US. A small piece floating around Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. Another bit sailing all over the Carribean. I think I just reunited with big piece of it when I got back to Cali.

I wonder how that works. Its almost like some of the pieces were taken from strategic places so I can’t tell they are missing. My heart is stronger because of those – the pieces I gave away or left in place I love. Other pieces were taken from the most important parts of my heart in the worst, careless way. Those missing pieces make it feel like my heart can’t even work properly half the time. Unfortunately, those are the pieces I probably won’t ever see again.

I was out for my morning coffee/walk and there was a lady walking opposite me on the pier. She had a flask hanging out of her pocket. No judgments, just telling you what I saw. She was on the phone and crying, saying to the person on the other end of the line that she missed all of the people in her life. I don’t know what was going on with her, and know nothing more about her story than the pier, flask, and crying. I felt oddly empathetic. I know what its like to miss people. I even know what its like to miss all the people at once. I almost wanted to laugh. That’s gonna be me in 25 years. I stopped smiling when I realized that no really…that’s gonna be me in 25 years. Not necessarily the same circumstances (dear god, please not the same circumstances). But it isn’t going to get easier. When you get older you don’t stop missing people. You’ll actually have more people to miss. Your heart gets more broken into pieces and more spread out and full of scar tissue.

Do people who always stay in one place feel this way? Or people in long-term relationships? People who marry their high school sweethearts? My sister and brother in law have been together since they were freshmen in college. They just ran the New York marathon together and he posted to facebook how he couldn’t imagine running the marathon without taking every step together and that he hopes that never changes. How amazing is that? To feel that about another person…or to have someone feel that way about you has got to be one of the most special things in life. They’ve been together since they were 19 years old. I am 29 now. That’s ten extra years of potential broken-heartedness that they didn’t experience. The heart certainly deals with more than romantic relationships but it seems to be a major factor in how I’m feeling right now. Maybe its not a broken heart, its just a lonely heart right now. I can stare at the scene from the beginning of this post for hours and feel my heart getting full. But it is as if it has a fill line or little tiny leaks where some of those pieces were taken. It can only fill up to a certain point until I have someone to share it with. And sometimes – not all the time – but sometimes, it hurts.