I haven’t written much in a while for two reasons. First, there just wasn’t much of anything going on. Second, I was in San Diego and was so busy just being in San Diego that I didn’t need or want to be sitting at my laptop writing blog posts. Third, it was Thanksgiving full of family, friends, food and drink. Now that it’s all over, we need a major recap of recent events.

My time in San Diego was near perfect, serving its exact purpose. I really just needed to go back to confirm that its where I need and want to be. It was so much of what I needed that I was supposed to leave on Monday the 12th of November and didn’t leave until Sunday the 20th. I was really nervous about the trip before it happened. I wasn’t sure how I would feel being back. I was worried that it wouldn’t be the same. That I wouldn’t fit back there either. Then what would I do? Fortunately, it was all for naught. Before my plane even landed, I knew it would all be OK. I wasn’t worried. I was calm and peaceful. Like a weight was off my shoulders. A little emotional of course, but still feeling like all was right with the world.

I had this trip planned since summer. With Fall moving at freaking light speed like it always does, I found the trip almost here and I was still without job, career, money, or plan. I’d been applying for jobs in San Diego and even had a phone interview. I tried to schedule a couple while I was in San Diego, but ran into issue after problem after blahblahblah. One of the interviews was part of the reason why I changed my flight and stayed an extra week. I went back and forth about even going to the interview, but finally decided that if I didn’t stay and check it out I would never get over it. So a $250 flight change later, I found myself heading to the interview.

In short, it was the worst interview I have ever had. And I’ve had lots of interviews. The receptionist was less than pleasant, the interviewers were late, and I was so clearly not qualified for the position that I could barely comprehend the questions – forget about giving good answers. It didn’t even feel like an interview. It was as if I was being quizzed. Trying to be proven wrong or made to feel stupid for even applying. As far as I’m concerned, there is absolutely nothing about my resume or cover letter that would indicate to the interviewers (based on their questions) that I would be able and/or willing to do the job. About 10 minutes into the interview, I stopped and expressed these things. Welp…interview over. I walked out of the room being pissed off as politely as I possibly could. I even thanked them for their time. I was so angry and upset walking to the car. As soon as I got in and closed the door – helloooo, waterworks. I can’t even remember the last time I cried that hard. The tears would not stop. I could barely breathe. Like when a little kid is so upset they can’t even remember why they started crying in the first place. Mascara was all over my cheeks and had dripped down onto my white blouse. My eyes were red and burning. I could barely see out of my contacts. I don’t know how long I sat there crying. Eventually, I calmed down and cleaned myself up so I could drive back to my friend’s house. Over the next 48ish hours I was so incredibly down on myself. I replayed the interview over in my head. Calling myself names. Wondering why and how I could have possibly thought that it would have been the right thing to do. A million thoughts racing. I can’t make a plan. I can’t pay my bills. I can’t get a job that pays me more than $8 an hour. Wishing time away. I’ll never get back to San Diego. Seriously? Who am I? Katey Shanahan gets jobs. She is smart. She knows what to do. She used to be the go-to girl. How did I get here? What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? Whywhywhywhy is this happening?

I knew that there was and is something that I am missing. Something that I can’t see. A lesson that I need to be learning, but for whatever reason I am resisting it. 

The angry me wants to call that interview nothing more than a big huge waste of my time.  The self-aware, faithful, life-trusting side of me knows better. A week after the “interview” I can easily see that I do not want that job (or to work with that organization ever again). In reality, I didn’t even want the job before the interview. So what the hell was the point of it all?  After a few whispers, pokes and signs that the job wasn’t for me, I just wouldn’t take the fucking hint. So the universe decided to throw a big fucking brick at my head to tell me that I don’t want to do that work anymore. So why do I keep trying to force it? Why even apply to those jobs? Because its what I know. I know that I can do it. I’m “qualified.” I’m “comfortable” doing it. Ugh…gross. I did it for 5 years and it didn’t fulfill me so why would I even consider doing it again? I don’t want qualified and comfortable. I don’t want to do things that I’ve already done. The interview was simply a lesson I needed to learn. I want to thank my interviewers (and the universe) for helping me to this realization. It seems so simple now.

The interview was just a small piece of the puzzle though. There is still something that I am missing. I know what I want. But I don’t know where to find it. I’m scared to create it. I’m afraid to ask for it or take it. Its made me an all-over-the-place mess. A big, long, painful, exhausting, beautiful mess. And guess what? It might be long from over. Sorry…I’m not sorry. It’s who I am and it’s what I had to do.

But I feel ready. So in an effort to seriously move forward, I’m committed to make the most of the time I have. Reading and researching. Finding out what’s worked for other people. Trying it and seeing if it works for me. Getting inspired. Soul-searching. Giving thanks. Meditating. Forgiving. Writing. Drinking too much coffee. Manifesting. Looking at old pictures. Sleeping a lot. Working a minimum wage job. Being a hermit. Talking to strangers. Staring out the window. Staring in the mirror. If you have any other ideas, please share them with me. 

My first go at all of the above was a trip to the self-development section at the bookstore. The first book I picked up and flipped open left me looking a page with the words: What is for you cannot pass you by. 

Ahhhh, yes. If it does pass you by, let it go. It isn’t for you. The universe knows best and its got your back. Be patient. Be thankful. Trust the process. Get rid of the bullshit and make room for the things that are for you. Because they will come. I promise.