With the recent announcement at work and scary closeness of my upcoming trip I’ve been getting all sorts of responses. Some people think I’m crazy. (I am a little.) Some people don’t understand why and ask me not to go. Lots of people say things like: You are so brave. That is so cool. I’m so jealous. I wish I could do that. You live the best life. I am so happy for you.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have a really great life. I am really excited for the adventure. And I do really appreciate those comments. But I can’t help but want to give a big sigh when I hear them. Anyone who says those things are lacking some pretty important information. I wish I could explain that a part of me doesn’t want to go. A part of me wants to stay right here in OB in my comfy comfort zone. Part of me wants nothing more than to be happy here. Find a job I love, working for someone else, on a career path that is safe and secure and predictable. To get a puppy and a long-term relationship and be saving up for a house that we are supposed to buy soon. To have something, anything that ties me down to one place so that I can’t leave. To know what I need and where to get it. To be perfectly fine doing what other people tell me to do, and living by the status quo, and not asking big scary questions about who I am, and why I’m here, what the hell I’m doing, and how I’m going to make a difference before I die. A part of me wishes that the last two years of my life were not full of self-doubt, and stupid mistakes and two steps forward always followed by three steps back. I wish I could explain that I am the jealous one and that they have the best life right now. That I am so incredibly lost right now that the only place I can think of to find myself  is on the complete opposite side of the world as far away from here as I can possibly get.

But thats not how it happens. I usually just agree and thank them and answer whatever questions they have about my trip. I feel like they would never understand. Or there isn’t enough time to share what I really think. Or ask them why they aren’t planning to do the exact same thing. They say they wish they could do it, but do they really want to? People who aren’t doing it must be happy and know what they want. Am I alone in going ridiculous lengths to find what makes me truly fulfilled? Have other people found it or does it not exist? I worry that I am just being naive and will never be truly satisfied. I’m slowly accepting that the traditional life is not the life for me and I’m willing to put in the work to make the life that I want. Even if it means being scared and uncomfortable or emotional and lonely. And what I’m doing might be brave or cool or the best but believe me when I say that is definitely not all that it is.