I. Am. Sick. I very, very rarely get sick so I am also a big baby when I’m sick. I hate it. I blame myself, though. Normally I have a pretty iron immune system. But the biggest bullies to the immune systems are stress, sugar, alcohol, and lack of sleep – all of which seemed to creep in and up over the last few holiday weeks. The result is a sinus infection, sore throat, and a few other weird things you just don’t need to hear about.

My stress in particular has been off the freaking charts. On top of the normal pressures of the holiday, I’ve been going in a million different directions about going back to San Diego. My mind was made up. I was going after the holidays were over – no questions asked. I was able to track down that missing CEO and had an amazing interview with that organization. It was as close to my dream job as I’ve ever been with an organization that I’ve imagined creating in my mind a thousand times. I planned the escape route along I-40, cruised craigslist and couchsurfing for rideshares, and thought about my good-bye hugs. My financial situation leaves something to be desired and I was definitely putting all my eggs in one basket with said “dream job” but I was ready to go. It was worth the risk to me. I would figure it out when I got there (and couldn’t figure it all out until I got there.) I told my parents the plan and expected a little bit of resistance but thought they would be generally supportive based on what I’ve been going through here. Uhhh….not quite what happened.

Isn’t it amazing that in a world of 7 billion people that anyone can ever feel alone? Even more mind-boggling is that you can feel that way in a room with people that love you and care about you and freaking created you. That you can feel there isn’t a soul in the world who truly understands who you are.

I know that it is somewhat selfish to live my life the way I do. I know that I’m not the best communicator. I also know that I am different than a lot of people out there in the way that I think and how my mind works. I take risks other people wouldn’t, I live by the seat of my pants. I just go with the flow and don’t ever really plan the little things. There isn’t much that I am afraid of or wouldn’t do and I truly believe that anything is possible. I don’t know if it is confidence, determination, or a sincere disdain for conformity and false authority. Maybe its simply naive or disillusioned. Whatever it is – it’s me. It makes some people uncomfortable. They don’t understand it. And that is why we feel alone. Because the only people we really need and want to understand who we are want us to change. And the ones we love the most have the ability to hurt us the most. And the ones we look up to and seek approval from may never give us the validation that we want. That is OK, though. I don’t need those things from most people, and have come not to expect them at all. It is definitely more hurtful when there actually are people you need them from and you can’t get them. I am independent to a fault, I have always been on my own, and this is how I’ve always made my decisions. My usual response would be to just do what I want to do no matter what anyone else says.

For whatever reason, though, this decision, this move, this one thing I want so badly – isn’t just about me this time. I get so caught up in my master plan and the big picture. Sometimes I forget I also have to survive the day to day. I don’t really worry about it too much because things have always worked out for me – I know that they always will. Apparently, the people around me do worry about it no matter how many times I’ve figured it out in the past.  So for once in my life I’m going to give in. This time, I’m going to change my plans a bit based on someone else’s needs and recommendations. I’ll play it safe and see what happens.

So there it is. I’m pushing San Diego back. I’m going to try this “adult” thing and make a decision that isn’t just about me. I will have to use everything inside of me to stay positive through the next few months. I may have turned down my dream job in exchange for one that keeps me stuck in the past and pays half as much. I will continue to miss San Diego every single day that I am not there. But San Diego isn’t going anywhere and all that it has to offer me can wait. Don’t they say that delayed gratification is the definition of maturity or something like that? I’m giving it a go. Nothing for me can pass me by. Slower is faster. The universe is on my side.  I’m not alone. I’m sure we’ve been through this before. We’ve survived. And have come back even stronger than before. To do things that we never even thought possible. To look back on the breakdowns, the rock-bottoms, the heartbreaks, and the what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me’s and understand the lessons. That the universe won’t ever send us something we can’t handle. That each hardship to come before you is a test, a lesson, an absolute reason for living. And maybe it does hurt and the alone can seriously suck. But the rewards for forgiving yourself, being true to your soul, having true patience, trusting the journey, and doing what you have to do to live the life you’ve imagined?
So worth it.