What’s with all my dying talk?

I don’t know. It’s been on my mind a lot. I’ve been reading a whole lot of woo-woo books lately and they must be getting to my head (wink.) You know the ones. They have “Spiritual” or “Energy” or “Soul” or “Universe” in the title and some weird tribal pattern or picture of a goddess on the cover. I love me some woo.

I haven’t been in the mood for anything I’m usually in the mood for recently. The people who used to fire me up sound like nails on a freaking chalkboard. Anything that used to motivate me makes roll my eyes so hard they could disappear. A “motivational” quote puts a scowl on my face that could haunt you for the rest of your life. Oh, you haven’t seen my unintended yet incredibly effective faces? They’re no joke. I have an ex-boyfriend who used to make up songs about my faces. True story.

Hustle more. Work harder. Life is short. Take action. More effort. More focus. More goals. Do more.

More more more. Blah blah blah.

You could die tomorrow. Do it now.

Blahblahblahblah. Blahhhh. BLAHH.

I love these people. Really, I do. It must be me. Maybe it’s just the words that are bothering me. I don’t know if I’m forever changed or going through a phase. Only time will tell.

But really, what if you were going to die in a few months? It’s a fine experiment to do. It will make you think about what really matters in life. But how realistic is it unless you’ve actually been told you have three months to live? I can’t live life pretending I’m going to die soon. Nope. Doesn’t work that way. I don’t want to live constantly thinking about death anyway. Even if I could, what would I do?

Nothing having to do with work or productivity.That’s for damn sure.

I would visit with my family and lay on the beach and watch my nephew play and drink and eat and maybe smoke cigarettes and listen to my favorite songs and probably write about it all. I would not go anywhere near a “hustle.” Stress has little appeal to me now and even less so if I knew I was going to die soon. I don’t want to spend my last days like that. I actually don’t want to spend any days like that.

I’m kind of starting to freak myself out right now. I really hope I don’t die soon.

But then, what about the people who are told they have 3 months to live and end up living for five years? OR they heal and live a completely regular full life? Miracles happen all the time. I wonder what it’s like for those people. A brush with death is certainly a cliche reason for anyone we see living a life of purpose. Brendon Buchard. Hal Elrod. The thousands of near-death-experience cases I’ve read about. They get this second chance at life that not only gives them a second chance at life but also a very profitable career.

That isn’t a knock. I love these people and their experiences. I have to wonder if there are times they forget they almost died. Do they ever lose the moment or sweat the small stuff or waste time? I’ve read books that indicate thousands of these experiences but can name the people making use of it on one hand. What about the rest of them? The people who don’t want to tell or don’t know marketing go on living seemingly normal lives because that’s all there is on this planet. Life on earth is beautiful but can also be a bit limited. Even if you do see the other side. Especially if you see the other side. You come back to this life and then, well…you’re back in this life.

Maybe I’m wrong.

If I am wrong, what if you aren’t one of those “lucky” people that almost dies? You don’t ever face death but for whatever reason you still want more from this life. Is my reason for wanting a life of purpose less important or meaningful or just some watered down version of theirs because I haven’t been close enough to death? I think about death and dying all the time. Clearly. I’ve even had intense, real experiences that have led me to believe I might die. They didn’t catapult me into my life’s purpose. They simply reminded me of what matters most and give pause to what I was doing with my time.

My next question is what if you were going to live forever?

Would that change things for you? Would you be OK to do whatever you’re doing…forever? If you’re miserable right now would you be able to “suck it up” just a little bit longer? If you’re unhealthy, would you take better care of yourself starting now knowing that you’d have to feel this way for the rest of all time? Or would you have a few more beers or slices of pizza because you know you have more time to make it right?

Doing things that make you miserable will still make you miserable whether you live until December or until infinity.

The more I think about it the less I understand. And the more I think about it, the smaller the gap between dying tomorrow and living forever seems to get. Sure, reality still exists. We need money. We have to eat. Maybe we have to take care of loved ones. But really, what’s the difference? There almost isn’t one. Would you want to live the life you’re living right now forever? Would you want all the time in the world to try out new things or change things you don’t like about yourself or your life or find your soulmate or do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do? How would you prioritize then? What would matter most to you then?

If I knew I was going to live forever not much changes. It definitely doesn’t change anything that matters, anyway. And it almost feels better. I would still visit with my family and lay on the beach and watch my nephew play and probably write about it all whenever I could. But this time I don’t have to worry about time running out on me.

So I’m taking the pressure off right now. I’m going to plan to live forever instead of forcing myself into something because life is short. I’m going to do my best to do things I like and not do things I don’t. I’ll try to be in the moment more often than I’m not. I’ll think less about dying and think more about how I want to live. I’ll do my best to spend time on things that I care about that grow my world instead of suck the life out of me.

Hustling, for example.

So whether it’s now or never, death? We’re totally cool to meet up.