If I don’t get a post out right now SO HELP ME UNIVERSE I might explode into a million unreleased, unfinished, twisty tied up thoughts and feelings and sentences that will splatter all over the space around me and make a horrible MESS.
Wow. I feel better already. And phew. Because I don’t think anybody wants to clean up Katey-splatter.
You know my drill, guys. I wait until I have too much to say and end up saying nothing at all. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I was almost certain that things would get better after I talked it through with 2015 so far. It turns out things have only become wackier. I’m pretty sure it’s an actual thing that is going on, though. Meaning…it isn’t just me. There is a verified weird universe energy ju-ju and it is making everyone a little crazy. I tried to fight it for a little bit until I got an email from a close friend explaining her simultaneous overwhelm/love of life. It was all I needed to get a little perspective. One day I can’t even handle being a real person and the next day I’m be so in love with life that I want to cry into my coffee. I’m just doing my best to go with it for now because something tells me getting through this time will lead to something wonderful.
But let’s get back to right now. It’s 82 degrees and sunny here in San Diego. I’m actually writing to you from the beach. I might be the luckiest girl in the world, full up with gratitude.
Ugh. Those words feel like a big fat lie.
I should feel that way but I don’t feel very lucky right now. I feel like my life is a fat, messy, ugly, walking contradiction. What is up with that? I know I have sat right here in this spot before and felt truly lucky and so grateful I would forget to breathe. So why should today be different? I am determined to be this way even when all else disagrees. That is when it’s the most important. I have to be the luckiest especially when I feel like a loser. I must be grateful and say thank you when it is most difficult to do so. Like when I have a dream job but still feel unappreciated sometimes. When I finally find a beautiful place to live that feels like home but my neighbor turns out to be a crazy mother f-er. Or when I’m constantly being asked for health advice by people around me but I can’t remember a time when I felt worse in my own body than I do right now. When it takes me 30 years to meet a man whose kisses feel like magic but he just happens to be divorced with four kids. When there is still so much I want to do and see and feel and experience that I feel like I’ll just never get to. And when the only thing that scares me more than not getting everything I want is actually getting everything I want.
All minor details…right?
We have our work cut out for us here. This shit is hard. My neighbor tells me I work too much. Probably because my honest response to any question about what I’m doing in the past, present or future usually involves me saying I have work to do. Because THERE IS ALWAYS WORK TO DO. I have my job work. I have my coaching work. I have my personal development work. I have my writing work. Swinging in my hammock work. Drinking coffee at the beach work.
Work, work, work.
Listen. This isn’t work. This is my LIFE. That means I work just the right amount. Sometimes I get tired. So I take a break. Sometimes I get inspired. So I work even harder. I don’t care if you do more work than me or less work. This isn’t a competition. I don’t care if your work looks different than mine. I don’t care if I call something work that you wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter at all because I’m not going to stop. Ever. I don’t even have plans to slow down. I want to speed up. I want to do more. Once you get a tiny little taste of what “lucky” really feels like, when you are so completely grateful that you feel infinite and invincible? There is no fucking way you can stop.
So let’s not make excuses about why something is or isn’t the way it is anymore. I’m experiencing all those things I don’t like right now but they don’t define who I am. They don’t even have to mean anything if I don’t want them to. Why would I let them stop me? Once you decide that something has no power over you, you get to do anything you want to do and feel anything you want to feel.
“There are soul-justified reasons to cancel. There are times to stop. This isn’t one of them. Keep going. Decide to be one of those people who pulls it off. Do what you say you’re going to do. Don’t let us down. Decide to rise.”
– Danielle Laporte