It is all unbelievable. Or hard to believe at least. How can you be so ready for a thing and so scared of it at the same time? On a completely unrelated note – why did I drink so much wine last night? I didn’t even want it. Blehhh.

I’ve been back from my trip for almost exactly a week and I can’t freaking believe it. I can’t believe I went. I can’t believe I’m not still there. I can’t believe the things I did there and saw there. I can’t believe the people I met.

one of my fave new friends/nights of the trip

Was it all real? I don’t have a clue. I have the pictures, but they look fake. Not to mention…I’m only in two of them (and they probably could have been taken anywhere.) I have the Guatemala poncho and notebook. But you can probably buy those anywhere, right? I have the memories, but hey – my mind has certainly fooled me before. I want to post it all here to make it more real. Every second of every day. But I just don’t think it will do the trip justice. Kind of the way I felt when I got back from Thailand. Sometimes things don’t need to be explained. Sometimes they simply can’t be explained.

I have to believe that I actually did go, though. Because right now, I’m feeling exactly how I wanted to feel when I came back. The whole trip worked out exactly like it was supposed to. I met the people I needed to meet. They told me the things I needed to hear. I saw the things I needed to inspire me and reassure me that yes – everything is just fine (and it always will be.) So now I’m ready to move forward…errrm…back? Back to San Diego. It. Is. TIME. My Dad asked me the other day if I’ve been checking out jobs and apartments out there. Funny you should mention that Dad. Yes…I just started. A freaking year ago.  

I’m absolutely terrified to go back. What if I go back and hate it? What if my heart breaks over and over again every time I walk by Cape May Avenue? What if I can’t take care of myself there either? What if I don’t even recognize it? What if I don’t recognize myself? Or do a big huge flailing belly flop when it comes to…every single aspect of my life?!?! No Bad Days turns into ALL Bad Days.

I know that won’t happen. I also know that the only thing more terrifying than going back there is staying here. I won’t be able to move on to anything else until I go back to San Diego and make sure that it either is or is not where I want to be. But this is what a person thinks about when they have too much time to think. I’ve come to terms with the fact (and reasons why) I couldn’t and didn’t go back a year ago. All of the people, places and things I’ve done since then all seem to make sense now. It was a tough year and some of it was pretty fucking dark. But you know what? I kind of liked it. And the process of going back now just feels better. I’m not rushing; I’m calm and ready. I’m not forcing; I’m flowing. I’m not expecting anything; I’m welcoming to anything and everything that comes my way. Wow, I’m getting so woo-woo in my old age.

In related woo-woo news, I think I have psychic powers. I’ve been told that before, and the more I pay attention to it the more I believe it. I’m going to have to look into this more. A few nights ago I had this really strange dream about a girl I was good friends with in high school. She was the passenger in my car and I was giving her a ride home. As I approached the road where she grew up, I asked if she still lived there. She said no and gave me directions to the right place. It is always really odd when someone random like that creeps into your dreams. I mean, I haven’t seen or talked to this person in close to 10 years. Until yesterday when I saw her at Starbucks. Seriously…come oonnnn universe. I’m still not sure what the “why” of the encounter is yet – but really, this stuff gives me the awesome power creepy creeps.

I might write more about my trip soon. I might not. I also might not write at all because I leave soon to make my trek back to Cali. Lucky for you, I’ll likely be an emotional basketcase with lots of gross feely feelings over the next few weeks so don’t expect me to be gone for too long.