Have you ever heard someone say something about you that you weren’t supposed to hear?
Someone accidentally called me and left a voicemail on my phone at 2am. Whoops. Lucky me got four full minutes of things that were meant to be private. How do you even react to that? I think I was in a little bit of shock at first. And I was drunk. I thought it best to just pass out. Unfortunately, I woke up in the morning simply annoyed. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t really hurt. I was just…bothered. I wanted to pretend that it never happened but I just couldn’t. First, I care about myself too much to not confront this person about it. Second, I needed to let this person know what happened to avoid major awkwardness the next time I see her. Putting the status of my friendship with this person aside, I was really just blindsided by what she said. And not because it was wrong or off the mark or even hurtful. Most of what she said was true. Mostly things that I already know about myself. I think the bothersome part was that she was so frustrated by my attitude about meeting guys at the bar and hooking up with them. Umm…what? It was more than that I guess, but apparently I wasn’t throwing myself at enough guys throughout the night and she was oddly upset about it. Sorry, I’m not sorry that I am no longer interested in meeting dudes to hook up with at bars anymore. I could go into detail about why I think she was upset about it, but then I’d be no better than her. All I can say is that a friend nit-picking about something that is already an insecurity for me (hi my name is twenty-nine and single…) behind my back and in a drunken rant-fest to her boyfriend is just extremely disappointing. It’s like when someone calls a fat person fat. Guess what jerk-off…that person already knows they’re fat and they probably feel pretty shitty about it. So what’s the point? I’m not a psychologist but I’m pretty sure people do these things to make themselves feel better about something. Aren’t we all just mirrors for each other?
I feel pretty whatever about it at this point. I want to pretend that I’m just being extremely mature and forgiving. Since it seemingly came out of almost nowhere, I am fairly certain that her comments had more to do with the way she feels about her behavior than she feels about mine. Part of me is proud of not taking the whole thing personally. The other part of me really is bummed because I’m not totally surprised that this person acted this way. Is that someone that I want in my life? I really don’t know. I also don’t know why some people in relationships seem to think that all single people must be miserable and desperate to find someone. Seriously – what is that?
What I do know is that there were other things at play in the situation. Lots of vodka, for one. A bunch of stuff that wasn’t about me at all, for two. I also know that I’ve probably vented about her before but I didn’t get caught. On top of that, I know that I am back in San Diego and I have most certainly changed since the last time I was here.
Yes. I’m back in San Diego. Umm…huh? You mean I actually left that one time? Wait, wait, wait. I left San Diego and moved to Thailand? You’ve got to be kidding me. I came back to the states and I lived with my parents for a YEAR? Yes, it is all true and I am still having trouble believing it. I guess I know myself better than I think though and San Diego is going pretty much the way I thought it would. It feels like home. I feel like myself again. It feels like a time warp where for better or worse, everything remains just as I left it. There is that quote by Nelson Mandela. “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find ways in which you yourself have altered.” Such perfect words right now. I don’t know if people who stay in one place ever get a true sense of this. The most difficult thing is that it isn’t just the place. Its the people, too. Some of the people that I’m coming back to are doing the exact same things and living the exact same life they were when I left. I don’t mean to imply that there is anything wrong with that or that they haven’t changed or grown at all. But the changes and growth I experienced over the last 18 months could not have possibly happened for me if I had stayed in the same place. The people I left here really don’t know what I’ve done in that time though so they expect me to be the same person I was when I left (see accidental voicemail fiasco above). Two years ago, I probably would have met my friend’s expectations of what a single girl should be doing when she’s at a bar full of dudes. I can’t be mad at someone who isn’t able to understand the experiences I’ve had and how or why I’ve changed. The only person that can truly understand that is me. The frustration comes from people I care about no being able to accept that I’ve changed. Only time will tell if this friend will do that or not. I’m not the same person, though. Turns out I’ve changed quite a bit.
Voicemail mini-drama aside, it is so freaking good to be back. This is still a major adjustment, though. I feel incredibly unorganized and unfocused. I try to keep the overwhelm to a minimum by going easy on myself, but the emotional basketcase creeps out once in a while. Usually at the most inconvenient of times – like during a run down the crowded pier at sunset – but hey, what can ya do. I was so distracted this summer and throughout my travels that there hasn’t been a regular outlet for my emotions. I’ve been so non-stop the last 6 weeks (3 months even) that I haven’t been able to just stop and process what is going on. I’ve said it to myself before and I’ll say it again, I can run but I can’t hide. Those feelings are going to catch up sooner or later. Looks like its time for me to face them, right? A tear up here, a little overwhelm there. Usually about nothing in particular. About nothing, but about everything. The past, present, and future all jumbled up together and leaking out of my brain through my tear ducts. The lost friends, failed relationships, and broken hearts playing over and over in my head just like I thought would happen. Good memories and bad, successes and failures, the changes and growth, intense gratitude to just be here. Feeling all my feelings all at once…ugh. Even if I only spent 5 years of my life here, there was such an incredible amount of life and living and growth in those five years. How could I not feel the way I do about this place, knowing that it has the potential to give me such things?
I don’t know if I’m even making sense. By the way, there is something wrong with the “u” key on my laptop and I have to put in an extreme effort type a “u.” Good lord this post was a pain to get out. I also bought a bag of dark chocolate covered almonds tonight. It was a terrible idea, because its nearly impossible for me to exercise any sort of self-control around dark chocolate covered almonds. I’ve been working on finishing this post for days, though and I’m pretty sure that sugar rush finally got it out of me. Sweet.