The beach after dark brings up four things.


Nello Marconi changed my life. I knew him for such a short, significant time. When you’re young you have this mentality that every thing and everyone is going to last forever. People won’t leave, things won’t change. Well, Nello left and it changed me and my life in ways that still I can’t comprehend or explain. The way and timing of his loss will be something I think about every day for the rest of my life. I don’t fully know what it means. I never will know. Fine…I’m past that. But I react when I look at the pier and the surf after dark. Especially when the surf is big. I run down the pier. I think of the times when he was here. Or think of the people that connect me to him. They don’t want anything to do with me anymore. The pier has seen so many waves and storms and jumpers and swimmers. It probably doesn’t care about Nello. The lifeguard is going to say “call 911 for any water related emergencies” every night, regardless of if there is a water-related emergency or not. Nello was just some extra paperwork for them that day. I miss Travis Milligan, too. His story was one of the most tragic comedies I’ve ever seen in real life. How does the saddest person you’ve ever met bring a huge smile to everyone he meets? Sometimes people aren’t strong enough to take the things that are handed to them in this life. I think Travis was strong enough to handle it, but he didn’t think he was. A perfect example of us never seeing how amazing we truly are. Nothing in this life is forever. Most things are actually quite fleeting. It is for a reason. It hurts sometimes.

There is that cry I needed. A shitty day at work, a few glasses of wine, the right song and the right sunset will make it flow. I really needed it. There have been so many times over the last few days when I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. It was never “appropriate” though so I had to hold it in. So lame. I need to let that shit ouuuttttt. It finally came, thank goodness. I needed the release. Now I can smile again. The big real kind of smile that comes from way down deep inside. Sometimes a good cry is all it takes. I  will stand by that for as long as I have tears.

I want that boy in my life so badly. I want him in my life in a big, major way. Uggghhh. I got it bad. I hate it. I really, really hate it. It is so not me. But the entire time I sat on that sand wall watching the beach after dark I was wishing that he was next to me. I know that he would make me feel better about all the above. The craziest part is that I don’t even know him that well. If I told you our story and our history, none of what I just wrote would make sense. But when you know, you know…that’s what they say, right? I just feel something big coming with this person. My dream man on paper is ready to jump right off the page and I want more.

This is hard. I wouldn’t change it for anything, though. There is no place else I want to be right now. I am lonely. I am broke. But I am really happy. I know – more than I’ve ever know anything – that this is what I’m supposed to be doing to figure this thing out. I love to write about it here. This is my time and this is my place. I want everyone to have a place like this. Somewhere you know that you can do and feel and say whatever you want – even if you’re not ready for any of it. You’ll get there. Everything and everyone you need is there. Where you need them, whenever you’re ready.

There is no reason to settle for anything less.