Guess what? I got it wrong.
I had a lump in my throat for a week. I was cranky and depressed with a huge chip on my shoulder. I was the opposite of excited. I cried everyday. I felt trapped and not like myself. Other people couldn’t talk me out of it. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. My mind was a mess: Am I just adjusting? Should I just wait it out? Suck it up? Is it going to get better? Everyone else seems fine…what is wrong with me? Stop wasting time. Stop being miserable, you’re in f-ing Thailand. This isn’t what I came to do. But maybe it will be a good experience? This isn’t what I want. I don’t know if what I want exists. Over and over and over again in my head. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore.
So I quit.
I came to Surat about a month ago for a teaching job. I’ve been training and getting ready for the last few weeks. Thursday was the first day of school. When I got to school I asked my boss if she could meet with me in the afternoon. She said she could, and asked if everything was OK. I couldn’t even respond. I felt so awful about the whole situation and I felt awful about myself. I spent most of the morning in class trying not to cry. I didn’t want to be there and I was dreading telling to my boss. I told her I had to leave. It doesn’t feel right. I’m just not supposed to be here now. We agreed that I would give a month’s notice, and if I can find someone to replace me before that I can go sooner. I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m going to do when that time comes. I’m starting to think I don’t have a clue about anything. I think I secretly like torturing myself (and my parents) by quitting jobs with nothing lined up. Seriously…who does that? Right…I do.
I wasn’t sure about my decision to come here, but I am sure about my decision to go. It has not been easy, but I know that its right. I felt immediate relief from all of those things I was feeling. I was smiling again. I was nice. I’ve been able to appreciate things that I really do like around here. I’m nervous about what I’m going to do next, but I’m excited about what could happen. Now the tears are happy ones, not sad ones.
As for the 50-50-90 rule, I guess any decision you make is half chance and there doesn’t have to be a right or wrong. There is just a natural consequence – good or bad – of whatever you decide. And all anyone can do is make the best decision with the information they have at any given point in time, right? I think that is what I did. It just didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to or thought it would. But the only way for me to know was to try it. When I wrote my new year’s post, trusting myself is one of the things that I said I needed to work on. Maybe I didn’t follow my gut at first, but as soon as I realized what was really going on I trusted the feelings I was having and made moves to change direction. Instead of forcing myself through six months to realize that things weren’t right, I only took a few weeks this time. I’d say that is a big improvement. I put myself first and am doing what is really right for me without feeling bad about it.
My mind wants me to be mad at myself. For being “wrong” the first time around. It wants to tell me that I am failing or that I should stay. But my heart is just so happy that I’m finally listening to it that it doesn’t even matter what my mind is saying. And that is just the greatest.