Well, hey. As much as I love those last two posts (they are sad but true), I owe everyone an apology. I need to get out of this funk and get out of it now. The 18th is my last day of work and each day is another step closer out the door of my Surat self-pity party. I don’t know how people felt reading my last two posts, but I know how I felt writing them – like a sad sorry sack of gloom. Even so, I had to get those things out somehow. Being in a foreign country doesn’t really breed an environment for talking about stuff. Most people don’t speak English and the ones who do speak English have known me for 6 weeks. I really don’t want to bother them with my sad sorry sack-ness. And anyways, its much easier for me to write things than say things.
In between those posts and this post, I survived a long weekend in Surat and a short week at school. One down, one more to go. I owe a big thanks to the fellow teachers and locals, Singha beer and Thai whiskey, my hammock, Charlize Theron and the hot guys in Snow White, that karaoke bar I vaguely remember going to (oops??) and my roommate Kim for getting me through it. I was sure that the fun I had over the weekend was the perfect amount to get me through the week. Unfortunately, by lunch on Tuesday I found myself with tonsils the size of something much bigger than tonsils and a 102 degree fever. Yeah, not exactly the ‘hot bod’ I’m going for. I don’t know if you’ve ever had tonsillitis but I have and it sucks every freaking time. I usually know what to expect, but I’m in Thailand and being sick is a whole different animal…meaning I spent a couple of hours stressed that I was dying of Malaria before deciding that I should probably just go to the freaking hospital and get checked out. I am still recovering so the memory is fresh and I can be a little bit dramatic but I think it was the worst day in my recent history. At least I got out of working for a day and a half?
And speaking of worst: I can’t. wait. to get out. of here. I had a lot of time to think about things while I was on my Thai deathbed. I may not have been rational or reasonable the whole time, but I came to some conclusions. Obviously, people around me are asking why I’m leaving. I can’t even count the number of times I had the same conversation over the last couple weeks. “You don’t like (blank) or think (blank) or (blah blah)? Are you really leaving?? But are you sure?” Everyone wanting to understand. But they can’t understand anything that I try to explain. There is nothing wrong with this town. There is nothing wrong with anyone here. I think Thailand is amazing. I have no way of giving them a relatable reason why I’m leaving. Because all of the reasons come from a place so much inside of me. The reasons are not external. It’s not about a person here, or a place here, or anything around me. People seem so unsatisfied with my explanations because of it. Its me. I don’t like who I am here. I have to get away from it and I just can’t stay. Maybe its better that people don’t understand because if they did they might be feeling the same way. And I really don’t want anyone else to feel this way.
The truth is, I have been the absolute worst version of myself here in almost every way possible. Physically, I can’t take care of myself the way I want to. Mentally and emotionally, I am a bottled up mess full of negative self-talk. Socially, my poor peers have had to deal with all my bullshit attitude and moodiness even though they are completely innocent. I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. I don’t want to be the worst version of myself. That’s freaking awful. I want to be the best! I mean I don’t even have to be the best…as long as I’m not the worst. Seriously. And I’m not being hard on myself about this at all. I’m not mad about it or sad or anything. Its more like an observation, I guess. I almost a little bit happy that I can recognize it. I can’t change my experience here but everything is wide open for me when I go and (hopefully) the only way is up.
So not that I have to justify anything to you…but in case you want to ask…yes, I’m sure about leaving.