I miss everything right now.

I miss flip phones. I miss not having a small computer/phone practically attached to my hand. I don’t even really use it for much other than email and texting and instagram but I know that it takes away from the attention that I pay to the people and the world around me. I try to remember what life was like before when people just used their phones to call another person and the call was usually to set a time when they would meet up to spend time with each other. I know I was around when this happened but it is hard for me to picture it. I know I miss that time though, because I work with teenagers that are afraid to have the most basic of conversations anywhere other than on facebook and it makes me sad. More than being sad though, I just miss when I had a phone that flipped open and all it could do was call and text and maybe play a game of Snake.

I miss Thailand. I miss texts that said “555” instead of “hahaha” because the Thai word for five sounds like “ha.” I miss drinking out of a coconut that cost me 75 cents. I miss geckos all over the walls and ceilings. I miss being hot and sticky. I miss the feeling of being in a place that was so far and different. I miss being so close to so many people and places and things that I didn’t know anything about.

I miss San Diego. I miss living a block from the beach. I miss the palm trees and the parrots and the fresh food. I miss my favorite coffee shop and bar and running route and weekend morning bike rides.  I miss wearing uggs and scarves and hats as a fashion statement and not out of necessity. I miss 48 degrees being the lowest of the lows and not the highest of the week’s highs. Right now, I miss San Diego so much that I can’t think of anything about it that I don’t miss.

I miss college. I miss the sense of doing something right now and having something else really big and unknown to look forward to. Its like when you’re an adult, being an adult doesn’t ever end. There isn’t anything after that. When you’re growing up there is always that next thing coming, another phase to look forward to. But when you’re an adult you have to work really really hard to make it like that, and even when you work really hard to make it like that it still isn’t the same feeling that it was when you were in high school looking forward to college or in college looking forward to the real world. I don’t know why I feel that way either, because in reality the opportunities for “next things” are pretty much unlimited to a person once they get out of high school or college but back then it was just that one next thing.

I miss having a personal trainer. The only personal trainer I’ve ever had wasn’t even that good. I didn’t even like him that much after I realized that all he really did was count my reps out loud for me, and make me do more reps than I probably would have done on my own. But when I had that personal trainer, that was a big part of me being in the best shape of my 28 years of life and I really want to be in that best shape again so that I can be get in even better shape. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get there and its so hard to stay motivated to get there. But I know that I’ve felt that way before, probably even right before I was in that best shape. I guess I don’t miss having a personal trainer that much, I miss feeling like I’m in the best shape of my life.

I miss a lot of people that aren’t in my life anymore. I miss my best friends. Most of them live quite close, but I still don’t see them often. Some of them I have seen less since I’ve lived an hour from them and I saw them more when I lived a plane ride away. That makes me sad and miss a time when I saw them a lot. Do you ever have a quick thought of someone that you haven’t thought of in a while, but who once consumed nearly every thought of every minute of your every day? Or when you think about an ex-person that only brought negative thoughts to your mind when their absence was fresh, but now the thoughts are just kind of matter-of-fact memories or maybe even make you feel happy? When it happens, its almost like you’re proud of yourself. Its actual proof that you’re moving forward. Actually healing. It is an amazing feeling. But sometimes it turns into missing them again, because you know it will never be like before when that person was someone in your life and you loved them. I don’t understand why the universe allows you to miss someone so much that isn’t even missing you back.

I miss everything.