No, not the cool Insomniac with Dave Attell. I’m talking about the lame-o insomniac that is me this last week. What the hell. I am usually an amazing sleeper. My head hits the pillow and within 10-15 minutes I’ll be asleep and dreaming of Prince Charming or the beach and 7-9 hours I’ll wake up well rested and ready to go. Not lately. My last couple weeks in OB were like this, too. I chose to treat that insomnia with increased partying and alcohol consumption. But here, that just won’t help. With my extra-insomnia-induced thinking time I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of reasons for my lack of slumber.

Speculated superficial reasons for insomnia:
1. rock hard bed in my current guesthouse. (currently free, I’m not allowed to complain).
2. stray/loud barking dogs outside.
3. annoyingly loud fan/air conditioner that I don’t know how to work and is timed to go on and off to regulate air temperature, but really only regulates my inability to fall asleep.

Speculated actual reasons for insomnia:
1. half-way committed to a job in Thailand that I don’t know I want.
2. bank account quickly approaching a big fat goose egg.
3. so much to do, so much to see, so much to learn, so little time.
4. rock hard bed in my current guesthouse.

I swear that mattress is made out of wood (I don’t know what the hardest kind of wood is, but it is probably that kind). As far as actual reasons, I really am at a crossroads right now. I have to make a decision and commit to something – either committing to the job or committing to well…not the job. Finding another way to make money, another job, another place, more packing?! Please, noooooooo more re-packing!!!!!!!

To be serious, a week ago I was 100% committed to taking the job and only recently started having doubts when I got some new information about it. There was some miscommunication between me and the woman that hired me in regards to the position and it caused my attitude to change big-time. But why? It was a fairly minor issue that was cleared up pretty quickly, so why am I letting it bother me so much? I think humans like to do that. One little sign that something might not be exactly how you thought and we back away. Especially when you might be a little uncertain in the first place. At least I know I do that. But things aren’t supposed to be easy. As my wise father so kindly pointed out to me the other day – as soon as one thing gets resolved and is going the way you want, something else is going to punch you in the face (ok, those are my words not his but you get the point). And sometimes you’ll know if something isn’t right, but sometimes you won’t know until you try it. Decisions really are all half-chance. I guess my expectations of this whole Thailand thing had gotten out of control since I’ve been here. I want lots of money, lots of time off, and lots of coconuts on the beach. Those things are great, and they are certainly available here if you are willing to look for them. If I think back on why I decided to come here in the first place though, the reasons are very different. I wanted to get seriously out of my comfort zone. I wanted to see new places and spark some personal creativity. I wanted to re-focus my life in regards to my finances, future plans, starting my own businesses and getting my health back on track. This whole experience has taken care of those first few. But now it’s time for me to settle somewhere and start taking care of those re-focusing reasons. This job will allow me to do all of that and who knows? Maybe I’ll love it. I have to at least try to have no regrets and maybe it will turn out even better than I thought. If not and I end up hating it, I’ll stop and do something else. I’ll figure out the details when the time comes. It really is as simple as that, no stress required. My Note from the Universe the other day was:

“a universal rule on decision making…don’t make them, until it’s time to make them…unless you already know what you want, in which case, however, there is no decision to be made.”

I don’t know how the creepy universe does it, but I think that explains it all.