It always takes longer than you thought it would.

Pay off your debt. Fall in love. Lose the weight. Love yourself completely. Get out of the rut. Find where you belong. Forgive and forget. Tell him how you feel. Find the things you’re good at. Decide what you want. Take the next step. Move on. Move up. Let go.

Burn out. 

I don’t know how long it took, but that is where I find myself right now. Burnt the fuck out.  Is “burnt”even a word? It is now.

I’ve pushed and been pushed to my limit at my job. I thought I was strong enough. Instead I was told to take the day off. I guess that means I’m not strong enough. Strong enough isn’t asked to take days off. Strong enough doesn’t cry in the bathroom. Strong enough certainly doesn’t let everyone know that she can’t handle her shit. My boss knows I’m irritated and the new girl doesn’t understand why I don’t like her. Here’s a hint…stop worrying about whether or not I like you and I’ll probably start to like you. 

Now everyone knows I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell if they want to give me a break so I don’t quit on them or if they want to give me a break so they can fire me. What kind of terrible environment is that? I can’t take a break. My bills don’t take “breaks”. I don’t want a break. I want to make my dreams come true. An unpaid day off isn’t going to fix the problem. Some simple recognition might help. Its not gonna happen. I don’t even know if it would be enough at this point. So I’m pissed off and tired and not sure how to deal with it. I’m mad at myself for being in this place. I’m sad that I haven’t taken better care of myself, for being too flexible with my boundaries. When I should have been protecting my energy, I was giving it away to people that don’t even matter. To a job that doesn’t even matter. That is the part that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I’m not mad with my coworkers or my boss or anyone else. I’m mad at myself. When I don’t take care of myself I give other people permission to do the same. I forgot this rule and I’m the only one suffering. You would think with the pressure I’ve been feeling that I work for the freaking president or save lives for f’s sake. One day I’m going to laugh at this, guys.

That day is not today.

Today is the day I cry about it. Today is the day I feel like shit. Today is the day every stranger I pass on the street looks at me with worried eyes because they can tell I’m about to fall apart. I hope I don’t feel like shit tomorrow, too. I highly doubt I’ll have a new job or steady income of my own by tomorrow though, so I’m going to have to figure something else out. Change my attitude. Find some gratitude. Get some perspective, right? Those are all good things to do when you feel like this. You know what, though? I just can’t right now. I can’t change the way I feel about this situation. I don’t think I should either. I don’t want to change how I feel about it. We have to feel this way and remember this feeling or we’ll never make a change. I was doing a great job of feeling this way and keeping it together. I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to move forward but feel like my feet are stuck to the ground. For whatever reason it isn’t all coming together for me yet. It was only a matter of time before my patience and persistence caused some pain. Stress fracture time. Are you a runner? Sometimes if you run too much your muscles will get tired and can’t absorb the impact of your steps. Your bones have to pick up the slack and they’ll get tiny little fractures. Every failed interview, missed connection, rejection letter, un-returned phone call – every day that goes by that I don’t spend as much time doing what I want to do – makes a tiny little crack that my heart has to hold together. Maybe I took a few too many steps. I think my heart is just tired. Hearts must just get…so incredibly tired sometimes. I’ll give it some rest.

Deep and dark is the only place for me to go. A place where I can feel just awful without any time constraints or judgement from myself or from anyone else. The old me would be freaking out. Running. Hiding. Pretending to be fine. I would be so scared of these feelings that I would do anything to avoid them. I’ve been here before and now I know what comes next. The light comes next. High comes, too. Deeper and darker only creates more space for light to pour in.

It is going to be fine. I’m going to be fine. Everyone knows that.

I’m just going to breathe. Stretch.
Sit my ass on the beach.
Sleep in a little.
Think.
I feel better already.
Daydream.
Write it out.
Write it down.
Coffee. Green juice.
Tears. Patience. Baby steps.
One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Until the answers come to me.

How long will it take? 

I don’t know. But I know that it is going to be so good that it will have been worth the wait.