Sometimes it is so hard to get things out on this page. I can write anything in my journal because I know that it will probably only be seen by me. Until I’m dead anyways. Then it won’t matter what I wrote in my journal. When I start a story here though, I have the intention of publishing it and it gives me this weird censor. I’m hoping that goes away eventually. I think it will. Until it goes away, I’ll just use wine. And red lipstick. The wine helps to get rid of the censor for sure.

So he finally kissed me. Finally. He kissed me.

You know what I did? I said “oh no.” Out loud. He actually repeated the words after me.

We haven’t spoken since. Great. I’ve been waiting so patiently for this move and when it happens I say “oh no” and scare him away forever. If that isn’t a Katey thing to do…well, I don’t know what is. I could have said anything else. I could have said nothing at all and it would have been better than “oh no.” Gahhhh. So now what do I do? We were  both drinking, too. This makes it even worse. Does he even remember? Did he even want to kiss me? Maybe he just wanted to kiss something pretty. He could have chosen anyone though. So why me? I can’t get him alone for even a second to ask him. Mr. Fucking Popular. I want to be patient and give it time but I also want to know right now. I want to hide from it all but tell everyone at the same time. Its so delicate. Is this really how it happens for me?

It is hard to feel this way and still trust the universe. How can I be having these feelings for someone that isn’t really for me? It just wouldn’t make sense. I don’t need that lesson again. I don’t need to learn to let someone go. I’ve done that. I’ve learned that one over and over again. I don’t want to learn it again. I don’t know if my heart can take it right now. Everything seems to be going so well. Maybe he is just like me. He has the confidence to have anyone he wants…except the one he wants. Or maybe it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He could’ve been using me for an ego boost like all the others.

I’m over-analyzing. Ughhh. Make it stop. I sooo over the over-analyzing. My friend Christopher told me not to give so much energy to it. I’m trying not to. I have so many other things to focus on right now. I can’t let this take over and I don’t want it to. I never want a boy to take me over. Never. But here I am. Drinking a bottle of wine alone, wearing red lipstick, listening to “I Want to Know What Love Is” to pass the time until I see him again or have some epiphany. I don’t want to be that girl but its happening.

He finally kissed me. I kissed him back. I liked it. I want to kiss him again.