Its time to get serious, people. I’ve been doing too much whining and too much wine-ing. I’ve been playing the blame game again. That job. That boss. That bill. That boy. That major life crisis. That depression. That trip around the world. That other boy. That party. That frenemy. That boredom. That. That. That. This was my epiphany today. My grandfather passed away in January of 2009. Five years ago. I have been working towards this for five years. Is that a long time to you? It seems like a long time to me because I’m still not where I want to be physically. The worst part is that I can write out a timeline of all the stupid excuses why it has taken me five years when it probably should have taken one or two. What is my excuse today?

At my work there are glass jars full of dove chocolates at the front desk. This means that for 8 hours of my day there is a mostly unlimited supply of chocolate begging me to eat it. So what do I do? Yeah. I eat it. For 8 hours. Even though I don’t want to eat it. Sometimes I resist for a few hours but they eventually make it into my mouth. Something in me has always felt like I had to eat the chocolate. Because everyone else was eating it. Because I’m not strong enough to resist. Because “oh, I’ll just have one”. Because I worked out today. Because I’m going to work out tomorrow. Because I don’t get paid enough. Because…

No. No, no, no, no.

No. More. Chocolates. No.

Did you know that Philip Seymour Hoffman was sober for 23 years? Twenty. Three. Years. Something about that fact gets me deep down in the core of my being. I can totally understand that voice – that something inside of him – that told him that it was OK to do it again. Just this once. I doubt it was a decision he made on a whim. I’ve never been dangerously addicted to drugs but I’ve had my battles with cigarettes, drugs, alcohol and food, though. I can say that I’m never going back to that. I can say that I’ve changed my life forever and that I’ll never be the miserable, overweight party girl I once was. But how can I be sure? My inner dialogue is a constant stream of planning how to never be that person again. If that dialogue stops or shifts I could definitely be on my way back to that.  It happens all the time.

The very moment that you become convinced that you’re invincible and can’t be harmed is the very moment you’re doomed.

That is so painfully beautiful and totally fucked up. You work so hard to get this thing under control and when you feel like you’re finally above it, like you finally won you get sucker-punched. Or you freaking die! Geez.

Forget the lessons you’ve learned for one second and you’ll be right back where you started in the time it takes to get your hand to your mouth. There has to be some scale of personality and addiction involved. Maybe something inside of me would never let myself get to the point of no return. Back then, it was if I knew when my limit was reached and it was time to change. Is it a self-love-respect type of thing? Even now I’ll dabble without a problem. How come Philip Seymour Hoffman couldn’t do that? I’ll smoke a cigarette once in a while with a night of drinking but don’t have any desire to buy a pack. I eat the dark chocolates but make sure to eat well the other 90% of the time. How can I know that I’ll still be that strong 23 years down the line? Its only been five. Maybe I’m just asking for trouble. All of a sudden, “just this once” or the “treat” is no longer a one time thing. It is the very habit that you worked so hard to break in the first place.

The truth is I have no idea what my life will look like in 23 years. I know for sure that I want to get better at life, not worse. That means that I DON’T WANT TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE. I want to get up everyday and make that choice. For whatever reason some people stop making the choice. They forget why they wanted to change. I’ve been forgetting. I’ve been distracted. I’ve been letting other people get in the way. I’m not going to do that anymore. A girl who loves herself doesn’t make excuses about why she isn’t giving herself the things she wants most, right? What a ridiculous thing to do.

So I didn’t eat any chocolates today. How did I ever believe that I wasn’t strong enough? I’m not going to eat any tomorrow, either.  Maybe five years isn’t that long. Actually, I think it is the perfect amount of time to practice getting what I want.