I wanted sleep. I needed sleep. Do you ever have those nights? Where all you need and want is a good night’s sleep but the universe seems to be conspiring against you to prevent it all. Your insomniac roommate is trying to be quiet but actually makes an incredible amount of noise. The car alarm down the block that only stops the moment the dog next door starts barking and only stops barking the moment a pack of drunk twentysomethings decide to linger in the street. All night I was having that in-between sleep and awake thing. Where you are kind of sleeping but are still aware of everything happening around you. The kind of sleep that leaves you more exhausted than when you started. The kind of sleep that makes you feel like your heart is broken for no good reason. The kind of sleep that leaves you in tears over the most insignificant detail your ego can find. I wanted to spend a good part of today working at the coffee shop. I might have to change plans. This is a small town and I really don’t want to become known as that girl who cries at the coffee shop. It will be one of those days for sure.

It is all going to be OK. Just breatheOkayokayokay.

In my non-sleep sleep around 3 am, I woke up and my mind just started racing. It was so bad that I had to grab a piece of paper and start writing things down. It was mostly about my website and my business. That is a good sign, right? I think I’m coming to a breaking point. I need work. I can’t do job anymore. Job is completely draining me of all creative resources. Taking away parts of me I need so that I can do meaningful work.

I’m sick of it.

I’ve known for a while that this would happen. There would be something to give me a nudge shove into making some moves. The thing you are afraid of doing becomes the thing that you simply can’t not do. You can’t not tell that guy how you feel. You can’t not sell all your shit and move to a foreign country. You can’t not pour your heart out and hit publish. And you can’t not do the work you know you are meant to do.

The can’t-not part doesn’t make it easy though. It might even make it harder. Because you don’t feel ready and you have to do it anyways. Some friends ask me how to be fearless. I don’t want to tell them that I’m scared of everything (just like Baby). I just get to a point when the thought of not doing something scares me more than just doing it. Regret feels much worse than fear and the fear goes away when you do the thing you’re afraid of. I think that is so freaking cool.

So now I need to change some things. I’m going to change my website. Change the direction a little bit. I’m going to start writing there more and writing here less. I’m going to focus on self-care before I burn myself out into a depressed pile of ashes. Look for opportunities that excite me instead of opportunities I can settle for. I will spend more time creating and less time consuming. This weekend is June 1st already. I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. This feels like yesterday. This feels like the day before. I haven’t forgotten about my hopes for this year. Even though I feel like crying today, I’m still happy with the way things are going. I love this place and know it is where I’m supposed to be and where I can do the things I need to do.

the universe is my favorite.

All this from one sleepless night. Silly me. I guess the universe was actually doing me a favor.