I have been epically (is that a word?) failing at keeping my life together. I made an amazing decision that I hope will change my life, but I still have a few months to go before I get there. There is nothing I can do to speed up the process, so even though I know good things are coming, its difficult keeping perspective in the meantime. Big things are missing from my life and I am trying to fill the void with all the wrong things. I feel stuck and have been filling time in the most mindless of ways. Desperate Housewives reruns, too many carbs, and way too much time at the Tilted Stick. That’s not really not me though – I hate wasting time. I want to be productive. I don’t like hangovers. Carbs make me squishy. So why am I doing things that don’t give me what I want? I am usually a person that is much more motivated than others to be productive, to live well and stay healthy, to eat right and exercise and get the perfect amount of sleep and sunshine. But is it possible for someone to be productive or motivated toward the things they need/want all the time? (With the exception of Todd Durkin, he is superhuman). Some of my recent behavior is not good for me at all. My lamest excuses include: its winter, my job is lame, I need to soak in all the OB i can before I leave, i was really well behaved all summer, I can’t get out of the vicious carb sugar cycle. It was fun for a while but now I’m just feeling out of control. I need to refocus and get myself back, I’m hoping that by writing it here I will have some accountability to stick with it. I just need to get through the next two weeks and then I will be heading back east for Christmas to see my people, which is always good for pushing the reset button.

For now I’m going to go easy on myself and accept the last several weeks as a small reminder of who I don’t want to be. Kind of like a rock bottom, but not as extreme. More like no rainbow without the rain? I just need a small reminder of what a hangover feels like, or how self-concious a bloated stomach makes me and will use them as a lesson in remembering why I do the things that I do.