I’ve been back in the states for just about a month now and its been going pretty well. I almost can’t believe it is August already. Some of the things that have happened over the last several months don’t even seem real. Unfortunately my two times a week blogging promise is out the window again, though. Anytime I sit down to write, all that comes out is
Well, either that or facebook. Waitressing 6 days a week and living with your parents is really not a place to find major inspiration. Although I am somewhat content here right now, there is not much of what I need here. I can make lots of money and the time with my parents is 100% precious and needed. But as far as personal growth and enlightenment go, I might be SOL. I just feel like I have outgrown this place. Unfortunately, it tends to remind me of bad habits I used to have and the person I used to be (that I really didn’t like all that much). I try to focus on how far I’ve come but that is much easier sad than done, especially when you are immersed in the environment. I find myself unmotivated to get started (or restarted) on things I was once really excited about and struggle to stay focused on any one thing. Thailand wasn’t what I wanted it to be and times were not always peachy. I was regularly pushing myself to do, see and experience new things, though. And was constantly learning about myself and the world around me. Its not quite the same when you move back to the street you grew up on.
I’m trying to give myself a break, though. First, because I know I am too hard on myself and its something I want to do less of. Second, at the very least I have been doing one thing that I need to do – make/save money. But really that’s just not enough for me. I want to be able to do it all at the same time. Work on my fitness, and pay my credit cards, and save money, and start my own business, and have fun, and take time off, and plan my next adventure. Yeah…right.
As I write this though, I feel totally ungrateful to even complain about my situation. The rent is free, the food is free, I get to hang with my family more than I have in years and there is cash in my pocket on the regular. But there is also too much TV, too much comfy furniture and not enough fire under my ass. The worst part is I don’t want to take responsibility for it. Maybe I’m bored. Maybe my ego is bruised. Maybe I really don’t want the things I used to want. Whatever the reason is, its pretty frustrating. I have everything I need to do anything I want, but I can’t pry myself away from Saved by the
reruns or free shift drinks long enough to do a damn thing about it. Bell
I’ve been trying to make moves in hopes of finding the ability to be super focused and motivated to get things done. Unfortunately my “moves” are having a much different effect. When I left
, I was too busy and excited to really focus on anything. And when I got to San Diego , it took a while to get settled and get my bearings. Then I found myself with a whole new set of issues that prevented me from really getting anything significant accomplished. Now I’m back from Thailand and nicely comfortable in my home country. So comfortable that I have to double check my passport to make sure I was really on the other side of the world. One of my favorite quotes is: never mistake motion for action. I’m making money and staying busy. Great. But am I moving towards the things that I really want? We’ll see how long I can keep up the cash-making game before I find myself getting burnt out on a lot of motion…with too little action. Thailand