cardio with a view

I love to run on the beach. I love it so much. It is hard. What better exercise is there? It is so much more than cardio. Your feet on the earth will help to heal anything. Sun on my skin. Strengthening my feet and ankles and calves. Running on the beach is one of the few activities I’ve found that allows me to focus 100% on what I’m doing. I’m not thinking about that boy. I’m thinking about how much I love the sun on my skin and in my eyes. I’m not thinking about that job or that bill. I’m thinking about how lucky I am to be running on the beach. I’m not thinking about the fat jiggling on my stomach or my thighs or my ass. I thinking about the power coming from the muscles in my legs and the heart in my chest. I wish I could run on the beach all day forever so I could only think those wonderful things.I can’t run on the beach all day, though. If I did I probably wouldn’t like it anymore.

I love yoga, too. I was a yoga hater for so long. Soooooo long. I think I was just scared. Insecure, too. Sometimes I still feel a little uncomfortable in some yoga classes. Fuck it, though. I’m gonna keep going. Yoga is something I need so badly that I’m almost afraid of it. Does that even make sense? Shouldn’t that be exciting? It is exciting but in a “this is big and important and scary” kind of way. I’m have a feeling that it will change me in a big way and I am afraid of it. I was having a weird day last week and I needed to move my body. I went to a class at a new studio that I’ve been meaning to check out. Everything just hurt. My back and my neck and my feet and my mind and my soul.  I was nervous and excited but fell in love with the instructor the second I saw her. Everything about her was everything I needed. Her voice and her words and her choice of poses. I wanted to cry the whole class (like I said, it was a weird day). Lucky for me it was hot yoga and I was profusely sweating the whole time. Sweat or tears? You’ll never know. Ha! All I know is that my body and my mind need yoga. I left that class on another level. Open and emotional and strong and flexible. That is how I want to be and feel and act every fucking day. It reminds me of scuba diving. Every single time. One of the breathing techniques they have you do sounds exactly like breathing underwater. Speaking of doing things you’re afraid of. I was absolutely terrified to dive. That is why I had to do it. You think you can’t do it. You think there is no freaking way you can breathe under water. But you put the regulator in your mouth anyways. You float at the surface. Your head is still above water so you’re still thinking about life on land. You breathe in and out. It makes a funny noise so you still don’t believe its going to work. You let some air out of your BCD. All of a sudden you are completely underwater sinking deeper and deeper and you’re still breathing in air. Not water. Not choking. Just breathing air in and out and in and out. The most slow, peaceful breaths you’ve ever taken. It is quiet and calm underwater. You immediately forget about anything and everything that ever happened to you above the surface because you are no longer in that world. In fact, you’re in a completely different universe. You feel like you have always been there and you could stay there forever. You don’t care about anything except where you are and what is in front of you in each moment.

That is exactly how I felt that way during that yoga class. See? I have to keep doing it. 

I’ve been going through some bullshit over here, though. That beach running and that yoga? They didn’t make it back into my life until about a week ago. Before that, it had been almost a month since I was feeling into…anything. I couldn’t deal. OK, I take that back. I didn’t want to deal. My laptop died right after my last post and I may as well have died with it. Pathetic, right? I hate to admit it but my laptop is a major part of my life. I have a routine. It keeps me organized. Without it I just can’t flow the way I can when my laptop is waiting there for me patiently. I was definitely flowing, too. I felt good. I was motivated and focused and full of ideas and gratitude.Of course that’s when the damn thing breaks. Talk about messing up my flow. It took almost 3 weeks to get it fixed. Every second felt like a freaking hour. Add on a few hundred dollars that I don’t have to fix it and I turned into a helpless, hopeless mess. I tried to make the best of it. I spent more time reading and walking. I tried to write but my writing hands can’t keep up with my brain the way my typing hands can. So, no blogs. Checking emails, paying bills and doing research on an iPhone is enough to drive a girl insane. Somehow I survived and finally got my laptop back. It works like a dream and the guy who fixed it even gave me a free cooling pad. I think he had a crush on me. Please laptop…don’t ever die on me again.

We were finally back on track. Then my body broke. Come oonnnn. It was one thing after another. A muscle in my low back. Rested until it felt better. My shoulder was next. Hurt my calf. Rested some more. Hurt my back again. Arrrghhhh. There is nothing more frustrating than your body not doing what you want it to do or feeling the way you want it to feel. Its like my writing hands not being able to keep up with my brain. I guess my body can’t keep up with my mind sometimes. I gotta figure that one out. I got my laptop back and I’ll get my body back, too. I’m being as patient as I can possibly be. Nutrition more. Walk more. Yoga more. Love body more.

So I’m just now getting back into my groove. I just want to get back. Or move forward. Is that the same thing? I don’t know. I feel stuck-ish. Like nothing is happening. As evidenced by the six weeks of nothing on this blog. Do you want my excuses again for not writing here for six weeks? I work six-plus days a week, my laptop broke, my body broke, it was a holiday, I had visitors, I deserved a break, it was sunny out, blahdiddyblahblahblah. The actual reasons? I haven’t made it a priority, I’m avoiding feeling my feelings (ugh), I’m confused and scared about everything, I don’t know what to write, I don’t know what to do next, and the chair I have is too low for my desk so it is extremely uncomfortable to sit in for extended periods of time. So even though it is the only thing I want to do there has been no writing. My favorite Hemmingway quote:

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed. 

Riiiiight. Nothing to it. Oof. I’m either bleeding to death here or pricking my own finger trying to get a tiny drop of blood from all my nothing-is-happening-ness. Its silly, though. There is never nothing happening. If only we could always remember that the nothing-ness is the time and space being created for everything we want. Just remember that. It is the only thing you need to do.