Wow, how did that happen? Six weeks gone, just like that.

I’m having the best summer ever. I can’t remember a better summer. Maybe the summer after I graduated high school. I was 18. I was young and beautiful with long blonde hair. I had an amazing job working with some of my best friends. I was making more money than any teenager could dream of. I was headed to my dream college, so excited to get away from Cape Cod. There was so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to. I had nothing to do but have fun and work hard. I was so free. It was easy to enjoy the time because I knew that everything was about to be completely different. I was so ready for all the things to come.

This summer is kind of like that summer. It is even better, though. I don’t have a plan for the next four years like I did then. These days, I pretty much only know what I’m going to be doing for the next four hours. That type of freedom and uncertainty sure takes some getting used to. Re-learning how to manage your own time is harder than it sounds. I’ve spent most of my almost 30 years being told where to be and when. Thinking that I had to have a “job” and an “income” and the “security” that came with it…and it all disappears the day you get fired.

When you no longer have someone telling you what to do things change in a major way. Once you have some cash flow secured, you have all these thoughts and dreams and expectations about what your days will look like. Many of them look just like you wanted them to look. You wake up naturally, feeling well rested and motivated and ready for the day. You drink your coffee – leisurely, at the beach or while going for a walk, enjoying every sip (you’ve vowed never to spill coffee on yourself rushing to work in the car ever again.) You come back to the house and write or read for a bit, then clear out your email and do some work. The mid-day break involves lunch in the sun or reading at the beach and playing in the ocean or running errands. You work some more until you feel your body getting restless, ready for a workout or a long walk. You’ll come back and do some more. After you watch the sunset, you do some more work or reading or watch a movie or meet friends for dinner or drinks. These days are full of gratitude, productivity and an overwhelming sense of freedom and accomplishment and abundance. These are the type of days you’ve been wanting, working towards, dreaming about your whole entire life.

The other days, though – they look nothing like the good days. The other days have you wondering what the hell happened to you. These days leave you feeling anxious and worried and undeserving of this beautiful life you finally found. You don’t wake up naturally. You probably wake up hungover or restless because you tossed and turned the night before.You drink your coffee but it doesn’t taste as good as you want it to. Today the coffee tastes like shit and you drink it as fast as you can so the caffeine takes effect and you don’t have to taste the shittiness anymore. You can’t decide what to do. You can’t find any motivation and you wonder how you made it this far. The sun is in your eyes and its too f-ing hot today. The ocean is too salty, too warm or too cold depending on the day. Your roommate is annoying and everyone you actually want to see or talk to isn’t responding to your texts and calls. Your body feels old. It is sore and hurts and doesn’t want to walk anywhere. You convince yourself that its OK to miss the sunset today because hey, there will be another one just like it tomorrow right? This type of day makes you want to scream and cry out of frustration because you just can’t seem to figure out why. Why is it never enough for me? Why does my day off leave me feeling more stressed out than all of the days on? Why isn’t my love here to help me through this? Why am I not strong enough to do it alone? Why am I so hard on myself but so forgiving of everyone else around me? Why is the low always so much lower than the high is high? Why do I spend more time than anyone else I know working on my own growth and personal development but still feel like everyone else knows something that I don’t? Why am I so incredibly free but still stuck here?

The days like this drive me crazy. Mostly they drive me crazy because they are so incredibly fun and silly while they’re happening. I run back towards all of the things I’ve been working so hard to stay away from. At the end of these days – hell, sometimes in the middle of these days – you’ll probably be able to find me at the bar or drinking at the beach or in the kitchen making some comfort food. I’ll be texting someone that will feed my ego but is going to eat away at my soul. There will definitely be a smile on my face. I might even have the giggles. I might be alone or maybe surrounded by people I don’t even like. I’ll be having a great time regardless. Its just easier sometimes. And it is definitely much more fun. I know it isn’t right. It isn’t what I should be doing. Yes, these days drive me so incredibly crazy that I just decide to give up for the day. I trade these days in for everything that holds me back from what I really want. When they’re over I have a physical, mental and spiritual hangover that takes days to recover from. The universe is testing me. Showing me that it can’t give me everything I want without challenging me at the same time. This is truth and it is brutal. No matter how long or hard you work you will never get out of the extreme balance of the universe. 

“Relax, enjoy. Stop second guessing yourself. All creative types require distractions, interruptions, and sometimes a little drama to get the most done and to blow the most minds.” -Notes from the Universe on 8/11/14

I certainly hope so. I try not to worry too much about myself. Maybe I’m doing too much? Working for my friend’s business, trying to work on my own business, working on my writing, working on my finances, working on my soul, working on my love life, working on a 30th birthday plan, working on my tan. I want to have it all. I want to do it all. Maybe I can’t. I can, though. I know I can. That’s the worst fucking part. I know I can do it but there is this part of me that won’t let me do it all at the same time. There is a part of me that just won’t let me have all it at the same time.

Maybe I can only focus on one thing at a time. Those good days I told you about can feel slow and relaxing but they are extremely full.  There are so many books I want to read. I have them all in a pile next to my bed. Instead of reading just one at a time I’ll end up overwhelmed and reading none of them for weeks at a time. Sometimes I can’t decide what to do – work, write, relax, party, exercise – or which thing to work on because I always feel like I should be doing the other thing. I’ll waste so much time deciding which way to spend my time and end up doing nothing at all. That is when I know one of those “other days” is headed my way. Maybe the life-cycle of my ups and downs has just shifted. I used to go 3 or 4 months feeling great and being productive and then I would spend 3 or 4 weeks feeling depressed and anxious. Now I’ll get 3 or 4 weeks of great followed by a 2 or 3 day bender. Such is life, right? A long, ridiculous string of unpredictable ups and downs and all arounds. I’m doing the best I can. I know some people out there are questioning me. All I know is that this is what I’m doing right now. That makes it the best I got. I know myself well enough to know that if it was in me right now, I’d be giving it and saying it and doing it. That is the only thing that matters right now.

So yeah, here I am complaining about my inability to manage all of my awesome free time. It isn’t that hard. It’s just that I’m not used to it. I’m also way too weak to resist the fun around me. It is going to take some practice. A lot of trial and error. More of all those things that I want to get away from. I’m trying to be patient with myself and remind myself that time isn’t running out, no matter how much it feels that way. I had 20 something years of practice living that other way. I don’t think it will take me that long.This is something that I actually want. You know how that goes. Trying to practice something that you don’t actually want or like? It’s going to take much longer than you want it to take. I’m getting flashbacks to grade school ballet. I was told I was too fat to ever be Clara in the Nutcracker. Well…there goes any young girl’s motivation for dancing and the end of my ballet career. I was lucky enough to have parents that let me quit but if I had been forced to stay I’m sure I never would have become a better dancer. But practicing something that you love? Working on something you were born to do?? It is going to come a little bit faster because you finally found it and you care about it so much and there is nothing you can do to stop it. But that doesn’t mean it is going to come right away. It takes work. It takes mistakes. It takes thinking about your life. Thinking about your soul – really thinking – is anything but fun. It is hard fucking work. It can be painful and extremely difficult especially if you’re stubborn like me. You want to look into your past and say that all these people and things had no effect on who you are and what you do. The actual truth is that those people and events that you want to have had absolutely no effect on you are the people and events that affect you the most. Even in real time. The people that push your buttons the most are the ones you wish you could ignore. They’re going to be your greatest teachers though, whether you like it or not. And haters are going to hate, no matter what you do.

So here we are. I guess the six weeks didn’t go just like that. They went with a shitload of working, hustling, stressing, coffee drinking, beaching, partying, planning, thinking, appreciating, reading, being, reflecting, growing, resting. Doing my best. Its all anyone can do.

On a final unrelated/completely related note, its been a while since the lyrics of a song got me right in the f-ing gut. And I still think this is the best summer ever.