I had a weird day. The days just get weird after the day that matters.
After the day that matters comes several very difficult days of hilarious fun and confusion and anxiety. Everything you would expect those days to be. I want to say that these days were completely major and life changing. They were life changing but I wouldn’t go so far to say that they were major. No, I don’t want to give those guys that much credit. They don’t get to have some great, profound impact on me. They just…don’t. I don’t intend that to be mean. I just want it to be the truth. I guess a part of me was planning and prepared to leave anyways. A part of me thinks that the whole situation is absolutely hilarious. Another part of me isn’t sure that any of it ever happened. So the major part will never be that day before. I don’t want to remember that day. The day I want to remember is the day that matters and all of the days after it.
I wanted to write in those first few days. Really I did. I would start to write and it wouldn’t sound like me, though. I don’t know who it sounded like, but it wasn’t me. I think I was just venting and processing. Not writing. I wrote a little bit about doing laundry and the LOL-ing I did in the laundromat when I had to wash my black ‘work pants’ for the last time ever. I still don’t know why it was so funny but it was seriously funny to me. Thankfully, I was the only one doing laundry on a Friday night. Otherwise the other Friday night laundry losers probably would have thought I was crazy (I was).
Then I wrote a little bit about my friend that saved my life and gave me a job right away. That makes me laugh out loud, too. A few months ago he offered me this job and I turned it down. This awesome opportunity was right in front of my face. Instead I spent my life slaving away in those stupid black pants because I thought I had to (I didn’t). Gigglegiggleteargiggle. Life is cracking me up right now.
So here we are. A few weeks have passed and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m having some really strange dreams but I’m sleeping better than I have in months. I’m working a lot but the cash is flowing and most of the time it doesn’t even feel like work. I’m drinking too much but I’m having a damn good time.
There is so much uncertainty about the next few months. I’m trying to get more comfortable with the feeling. Any sense of security I had was completely false anyways, wasn’t it? I wasn’t secure. I realize now that the feeling I had was never “security.” It was something else. I didn’t feel secure. I felt trapped. Isn’t it crazy how feelings can trick you like that? You think you feel one way but its really something else. I’m a bit smarter now. A little bit wiser. The uncertainty I feel isn’t uncertainty at all. What is it then?
Holy shit. Its FREEDOM. Freedom to do anything I want. It is the one thing I have always wanted most. The feeling that I have been chasing for years. I have almost all of the freedom and feelings I’ve always dreamed of. It came out of nowhere, too. If you had told me a month ago that this is where I would be I probably would have laughed in your face and said “I wish.” That is how it goes though, isn’t it? Life seems to be a certain way until it just isn’t that way anymore.
It is very uncomfortable. Because you don’t know how to do it yet. You don’t know how to manage this new life (see: “drinking too much.”) It takes time to adjust. You have to be more disciplined. You’re the only one calling the shots. You are the one that decides whether or not you go to work or go to the beach or go to the bar or go to the gym. You get to have everything you want. The cash flow has no end in sight. There is nobody left to blame. You don’t have to spend the day fighting against an environment that doesn’t serve you. You decide what you think about, where you go and who you spend your time with. It sounds easy and fun and beautiful. Unfortunately, it is so completely different from the life you are used to. You’ve never had this much freedom. The confusion distracts you from the beauty of it all. You’ve never had everything you’ve ever wanted. You’ve never had this much control over your life and it is freaking you the fuck out.
So you just go with it. Less fighting. More loving. More feeling. Everything you want can’t possibly that bad. I was scared about this whole getting what you want thing. But now I just want more. You can never have too much feeling. Too much feeling?
If they’re the right feelings, it just feels even better.