I won’t even try to pretend that I’ll get more than one post out before the end of the year. Once I take off on a plane to the east coast productivity is highly unlikely.

Usually by this time of year I am doing everything I can to stop myself from curling up into a ball under the covers and not getting up until Spring. Not this time. This year is different. I’m different. Me, in my life right now? I can’t remember a time when I felt more grateful, more at peace, more beautiful, or more excited about the future. That’s saying a lot.

Don’t get me wrong. Life is never perfect over here. There is still a monster list of everything I want to do, be, see, have, and feel. This is about wanting it all, but knowing when it’s time for content and gratitude so that you don’t need a damn thing.

So how did I get here? Did I wake up on a cloud puff of appreciation and peace one morning?

Hell no, but that sure sounds nice now that I’m thinking about it.

A few months ago I did some one on one work with a well-known, long-adored, not cheap, women’s coach that I’d been wanting to work with for a while. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the experience and came out of it feeling a little…well, meh.  A couple months before that, I completed a different, very intense coaching program that ended in certification. I was super proud, but a little “meh” then, too. Like, that’s it? Now what do I do?

Shouldn’t I have some sort of incredible drive and motivation to make all my dreams come true?

Shouldn’t everything I worked on, through, and over a million times during the last 9 months be totally healed and fixed and awesome?

Shouldn’t I just have all the answers rightfreakingnow?

Shouldn’t I feel completely different?

I didn’t. I wasn’t even close to any of those. Honestly? I didn’t even want any of those in hindsight. Hiring a coach was my last-ditch effort at getting to those things. Why? Because I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing. In reality, I was so burnt out and sick of self-development and trying and problem-solving and “taking action” and setting intentions and making a plan and self-help blah, blah, blah.

I was so tired. Tired of self-help books and blogs and podcasts. Tired of putting pressure on myself. Tired of beating myself up for anything and everything. It felt like I was trying to prove something but I didn’t know what it was, I had no clue who I was trying to prove it to, and nobody was even looking. Ugh.

I hung in this weird place for a few weeks until I had a follow up call with my coach. As I was trying to explain what I was going through, I finally realized that what I wanted most, more than any other thing I’d been working towards all year, all my life, even?

Was to not feel bad about anything anymore.

I was completely stuck in the feeling. Paralyzed, even. I couldn’t take action because I was so busy berating myself nonstop about why I wasn’t taking action yet. I didn’t want to beat myself up about it anymore. I didn’t want to put any pressure on myself to “do something.” I didn’t want to answer any more questions. I didn’t want to analyze. I didn’t want to read or write or listen or grow or study or talk. I just wanted to rest. I just NEEDED to rest.

And I forgot one very important thing.

I forgot that change doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn’t. People change one teeny, tiny bit at a time. Letting go of one little piece here. Picking up another little part there. Choosing something new instead the same old thing. Speaking up for themselves when they never would have said something before. Pushing themselves when they would normally take a break or give up. Taking a much needed rest when they would normally push themselves over the edge.

This is how transformation happens, and this is what has happened to me this year. Little tiny shifts and practices will turn you into a completely different person without having to remember to be different. This year took me from:

From negative self-talk and obsessing over faults to complete self-care.

From running away from what scares me to running away from things that no longer serve me.

From trying to escape to trying to figure out what and why I want to escape.

From believing my thoughts to observing my thoughts.

From expecting the bad to trusting the good.

From choosing comfort to choosing uncertainty.

From self-judgement to forgiving myself for my past.

From feeling bad? To feeling at peace.

I always knew I could do it. I knew I could get there. Turns out I was just distracting myself from the fact that I was already there. Silly, Katey.